June 29th, 2025
Hello everyone and welcome to my third blog, posted almost a year after my first one. Just goes to show how much I actually update this site. Last time I said I would update projects when I had them, and the reason these haven't been uploaded is simply because they don't exist :/. I ended up focusing really hard in college and that just sucked up pretty much all of my time. During the past few summers I've worked on some side projects with my best friend (link to their website here check it out!!!), but I feel unjustified putting these up as my projects as they aren't mine, they're a mixture of so many hard people's work. I am just lucky enough to be one of the people who gets to contribute on them.
Continuing on from my projects, my life's been good, hopefully getting better. Without going into any specifics I'm entering a new stage of my life in about a month and a half, and it's really exciting, but also really nerveracking. I look forward to the ups and the downs, as I know they will contribute to my development as a person. Also I ended up not really sticking to Godot. It was cool but after developing for many years on 3D platforms, I just don't find as much enjoyment making 2D projects. For this reason I've started using unreal a lot more. It's much less indie, much less punk :( but it gets the job done, and it may actually get me a job in the future.
Completely jumping topics with absolutely no transition, I will now move on from the life update and onto the reason for this blogpost! The title of this post is existence because it's been something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Is it merely enough for me to exist in the world or do I have to make my mark, "exert my force" on this world? I feel like logically the obvious answer is that just existing is good enough, but I feel like if I slow down and let myself just exist, I'll get swept up by the waves of life and be put down somewhere that I'm not happy with. However I do get tired of constantly swimming. Sometimes I think I'm not tired of swimming, as swimming is literally our expression of life, creating things, having relationships, but instead I think I may simply be afraid of the prospect of never being able to stop swimming. Making things, exerting my "creative will" on the world gives me joy, but I also need time to do nothing to be happy. Where should that balance be? I think too often I swing like a pendulumn, from one extreme to the other, when a much more productive and healthy option would be to have periods of fun and creativity, instead of one or the other.
The conclusion that I've come to recently is that none of what I'm talking about really matters. The expression of creativity on the world is not actually something that I have to do, as the only person it brings joy is myself. I make things because there's the voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to make things, even when it's hard. Whether or not I get swept up in the existence of life and land somewhere I don't want to, I think I'll always be creating stuff. Hell, I worked on projects and updated this website during some of the most busy time of my life. As I enter more busy time, I am pretty sure I'll keep up the creativity.
Anyway that seems like enough to be a good blog post for now. I hope you enjoyed reading, but this one was mostly for me. In fact, most of these are mostly for me. ANYWAY you probably wont hear from me on this site for a while, as I mentioned I have that life change coming up so I am unsure how radically my life will change, but it is all good things so I embrace the terror of (not) knowing what this world is about.